Shopping

“Right, still on personality the next section is… hobbies! Any hobbies you would like?
Zynthia looked hopefully across at the lady sitting opposite her. There was no reply. She continued in an exasperated, yet encouraging way or at least she hoped.
“Hobbies, you know… what you do for fun … enjoyment? … Relaxation? How about your spare time?”
Her eyebrow arched expectantly, and the lady still looked blank.
“Well then…” she said with forced optimism, “Shall we invent some then?”
This client was proving to be hard work. She lacked the usual vivacity of those that normally came to her for help.
“What about coin collecting? … That’s always a good perennial, very historical” she said in her professional ‘mock encouragement’ voice.
No response.
“Well, what about sport? … No? Ok … What about the antiquated craft of knitting or cooking?” Zynthia was now grasping at ancient straws.
“They are very much in vogue, there is actually a revival at the moment … that would make you sound very ‘now’ … exciting to your fellow workers.”
“Too domesticated.”
At last. A reply, curt but at least a response.
“Well how about reading?”
The lady opposite shuffled in her seat looking distinctly agitated, and barked…
“Look, I don’t want to sound like a nerd and I don’t have time for hobbies!”
Zynthia looked over her consul at the grey clad lady, with her primly tied-back hair, devoid of make-up and be-speckled, she was certainly personality challenged! Perhaps I could do something about that later she contemplated, AND who wore glasses these days!
“Well, what do you suggest I input? … I need to have something so that we can make sure you are compatible… you know have something to talk about ... to share? ... Companionship?”
“Is that str-ict-ly necessary?” it was a reply matched with a twitch at the corner of her mouth and a tapping of the foot.
Zynthia offered her a glare, but replied sweetly,
“Well I sup-pose not entirely necessary.”
“Good!” came the sharp retort.
Zynthia was quite perplexed, she thought of her male back home and sighed warmly. Why did she have ‘this female’ as her last client of the day. She sighed, and got back to her now over running task of inputting. In the space for hobbies she put ‘The secret and ancient art of mud wrestling on the Artic Plains of Siberia.’ The internal smile did not touch her professional lips.
Zynthia scanned the screen in front of her, and to her experienced eye all the questions about the client were now answered although very sparse.
“…and now we come to the part where I ask you about your requirements for a partner… I believe you asked for an Earthman….is that correct?”
“AT LAST!!!” the woman almost bellowed.
Whoah! Where did that come from! Zynthia reeled internally but said.
“In the case of the partner we always start with facial features and the first is the visual receptors, also known as the eyes…poetically called the windows to the soul.” Zynthia was now back on track, returning to the comforting patter of her well-practised sales pitch. However one look at the now rather excited woman, she decided it would be wasted. “Etcetera… etcetera…” she finished.
“So eyes, well? What’s it to be Brown, green, blue … or pink …or something else?”
“Brown’s nice…” the woman pondered.
“But?”
“But, you can’t beat blue.”
“Oooooo yes!” they said in unison. One in pleasure and the other in practised sarcasm.
“Wait… a moment.”
The woman, Xandria Cosmo-Legroom was obviously desperate to make sure she got ‘everything’ right.
“I have a list here, my memory is not what it used to be.” She said, as she rummaged in her voluminous bag.
It made sense to Zynthia. If you went out shopping you made a list and if it was important you made a list. It’s just that at the sight of it now being unrolled, she wished it wasn’t such a long list. Her heart sank. The females who came to her these days were getting even more picky. It used to be that any male would have sufficed, now they had to be god like to satisfy their requirements.
“You have quite a shopping list there!”
“Best to always be prepared … besides no surprises then.” She then checked her list and said “So for the eyes I will have the Steven McQueen’s, no2374 …I believe they are on offer?”
“Err, yes… and hair colour? .... Blondes a good old fashioned colour if you are going retro Earthman?”
“No, I was thinking no 96722 style in dark brown.” Xandria said consulting her list.
Zynthia started inputting and noted that the woman had become very animated, excited even. ‘Sh’ll be frothing at the mouth next’ she thought.
“Err, can you make it like…” Xandria hesitated, and then exploded “Can you make it like Elvis circa 1956! … that’s special ref 2155”
“Elvis? ...You do like your ancient music and celluloid…don’t you? Tell you what … perhaps you might like the Elvis hip movement to go with it? That’s always a good combination.”
“How much more would that cost?”
“Well, it is part of our clearance stock… so I’ll offer it at discount…say 60% off?”
“Bargain!”
“Next is his nose…” Zynthia said, as she imputed Elvis’s hips.
Zynthia proceeded through her checklist, covering every aspect of what Xandria’s man should be until finally…
“Next is…his reproductive physique… would you like a breather? … A vessel of water perhaps?”
Xandria was on a roll and therefore not about to stop.
“I want Michaelango’s David.”
Zynthia couldn’t help but admire her research. She had certainly trawled the bargain basement in their extensive catalogue.
“David, do you have his code? .... Ah yes, I see that you do! …all of them … now, would that be … dare I say it…” she looked over to the unruliness that had replaced the once controlled but dour Miss Cosmo-Legroom and continued.
“Dare I say it, the … ahem … why is it getting so hot in here?” Zynthia fingered her collar, she didn’t usually get so flustered. Normally everything was so detached. ‘It’s this woman, she’s contagious … so unprofessional to be so wanton. That’s what comes from dropping your prices, mental note to screen prospective purchasers in future’.
“The … ahem, would that be David for ALL his remaining physique requirements? … er’, attributes? ... Or was there someone else you may want for his erm…?”
“No David will more than suffice.”
“If you give me the list, I’ll input the remaining last items … and perhaps you might like … oh I see that you have, … just make yourself comfortable there while I get on with this.”
In truth it did not look like Xandria could wait any longer for her man. It looked like she wanted him now, the way she was sprawled over the chair lacking decorum, shoes and jacket. Zynthia had never seen anyone like this before. Her assessment was this woman’s biological clock wasn’t just ticking, it was hammering and racing through her whole body ready to explode.
“So are we ready then?”
“Oooh yeess.”
“The process is quite simple, the information is downloaded into the central computer and we just wait for a few minutes, before the construction starts. Would you like to press the button?” She indicated a large green one on her consul. It appeared to Zynthia, that Xandria pressed it with some trepidation.

‘Well it was a significant investment, having a male had become such a status symbol in a universe where females out-numbered biological males ten thousand to one… what would they do without the ‘Male Machine?’’ pondered Zythia.
The machine was a relic from the Cosmos Wars when the Federation needed a continuous supply of soldiers for replacements. Soldiers who took orders without question and had no other desires. Eventually the wars gradually dwindled out due to the unfortunate side effects. The heavily polluted planet’s atmospheres pretty much affected the reproduction of every species. A deficit of males and a glut of females. The male machine with some alterations found other uses. This was the one assigned to humanoid production, at a price.

In front of them a large cylindrical capsule held in place by many tubes and wires slowly started to bubble with soft pink liquid. Xandria stood up and was quite transfixed. The soft pink was gradually replaced by lurid red. There was a great deal of hisses, bangs, gloops and whoosh noises emanating from the machinery and the transparency of the interior was obscured by the movement of energetic bubbles. It was all over surprisingly quickly. When all became silent, the red water drained, revealing Xandria’s creation. Her Adam.
“Now to just dry him off.” Zynthia said as a warm breeze started to flow over his body. The droplets of liquid evaporated away. He slowly opened his eyes as the capsule raised into the mechanism above, leaving him standing on the base.
“Shall we go over and meet him?”
“Oooh yess please.” Xandria drooled.
They stepped down from the consul and walked across the echoing metallic floor, towards the new man.
“Can I touch him?”
Xandria said this as she finished straightening her attire and smoothed her hair back into it’s prim bun. Once more becoming the controlled, dour grey lady.
“Of course, he is all yours now, remember to take good care of him, just follow the manual…and you’ll be fine.”
Xandria ran an appreciative hand down his chiselled torso.
“Oh Perfect… quite perfect.” Xandria’s chest heaved with desired anticipation.
Zynthia looked at the two together and knew it would be unprofessional to not at least try…
“While I’m at it … and your still here… would you like and upgrade? Perhaps a hobby app?”
Xandria looked peeved.
“That won’t be necessary … not for what I have in mind… He does come with the obedient app doesn’t he ... As standard?”
“Well yes, but I would have thought to make life, well … interesting … you know?”
“No I can assure you it won’t be necessary.”

As Xandria left arm in arm with her new acquisition, it occurred to Zynthia that Xandria had made a fundamental mistake in her specifications. Smiling, she hoped that the vine leaf wasn’t a permanent feature or a very dissatisfied Xandria Cosmo-Legroom would be calling back again, very soon. He was her Adonis, and she was a filing clerk for the intergalactic waste disposal bureau. Still it’s a woman’s world Zynthia mused.

The end
(1767)