Apartment Regs
The two men stood outside apartment 28. One was anxious and the other in control; feeling rather self-important in his pressed grey suit. Mr ‘Control’, liked to be known to all, as ‘Inspector’; he had a clipboard, a badge and was not afraid to use them.
“She can be… rather feisty y’know.” Said the anxious man.
“We had…er… still are, actually having words over her newspaper orders clogging up the foyer, … think she must have been a journalist or sum’min.” He continued, trying to sound helpful but was as irritating as a fly that refused to be swotted.
The suited ‘Inspector’ gave the speaker a frown of dismissal. He turned and pressed the doorbell leaving his finger there for some time. While the anxious man hovered behind him doing a peculiar side stepping dance of being there, but quite prepared to not be. It was a short wait until they could hear the sound of occupancy shuffling to the door; followed by slow rummaging with metal chains, bolts and then finally the lever. It was just perceptible through the sound of the door chimes giving a piercing rendition of ‘Land of hope and glory’. The door opened cautiously. An elderly alert face appeared above the chain. She beheld the men through her orange sparkly glasses and offered them a small tight smile. Recognising the younger scruffy one as the resident caretaker she gave him a cursory nod. The other was obviously on some civic mission in his tedious uniform of grey suit and tie. Her shrewd eyes rested on him.
“Yes” she said curtly “You rang my bell, … did your finger get stuck?”
Looking at the cowering caretaker she said,
“Broken is it? .... Would you like to stop it?”
Lacking a hammer or something equally appropriate the caretaker used the only thing that offered itself as a weapon to him. He took the clipboard from the surprised inspector and proceeded to pummel the doorbell into a submission of silence.
“You can add that to the list” she said dryly.
“Hah... hmn… Hmmn” The inspector cleared his throat, trying to draw her attention back to him, but only succeeding in sounding pompous.
“Linctus should do that, or me ol’ grandpa’s recipe”
“What?”
“Nasty cough, you shouldn’t overlook a nasty cough like that. Don’t know where it may lead. Some lard and herbs wrapped up in an old red sock round yer neck should see to that…mind its red though. Won’t work if it’s not red.”
“Er, thanks…” then recollecting himself he proceeded with…
“Back to business”
“We have business?” she eyed him suspiciously through the gap.
“I’m Mr Jaccobson, from THE council…Environmental health INSPECTOR.” He said tersely, while aiming his badge in her general direction.
“Mrs Rose Gligson?”
“No”
“Says here…” He continued.
Then, aware he no longer had his clipboard shield, thrust his hand out for its return.
“No?”
He turned enquiringly to the caretaker behind him. Who hunched his shoulders and said…
“She’s Mrs Gligson, al’right, don’t know what her game is.”
The inspector continued, safe in the knowledge if it was written down on his clipboard, they were his’ facts.
“Mrs Gligson, we have had several reports that you are keeping animals in your apartment. Firstly it is a health and safety issue and secondly you are aware that contravenes the terms of your lease.” He said the last bit with plenty of emphasis on the word ‘lease’.
“I said, no … I am not Mrs Gligson.” She replied tartly.
“Miss” Then added. “As you well know.”
Looking past the ‘jobsworth’ at the door, to the poor apology of a caretaker who had not even graced her with a greeting. Though, he had at least the decency to shrink under her frosty glare.
Ignoring her, the man from the council continued. He had four more appointments booked this afternoon and he wanted to be finished by five.
“Mrs Gligson, we have had reports of animals living here.” He looked at his clipboard, coughed and adjusted his glasses to emphasise the point.
“You cannot deny it… they have been heard and by all reports you have not been seen exercising them…and what about their toileting?”
With the mention of toileting the caretaker spoke with a repulsed face…
“Eeewww!” Audibly disgusted he continued,
“Now, that’s a job for specialists!”
Making sure, in advance, the man from the council knew he was not going to be responsible for clearing ‘THAT’ up.
“…And would you kindly open the door” Mr Jaccobson was not easily swayed or deterred from his undertaken task. No matter how foul.
The chain held firm and rattled under the tension of his tapping irritated foot against her door.
“It’s MISS Rose Gligson.” Truly indignant now; she eyed his foot with disgust until it came to a halt.
“Perhaps you can tell me what animals I am supposed to have?”
“The report says that they have been seen through your window, and animal noises have been heard at all times of the day.”
“And I say again what animals?”
“Madam… They have BEEN heard and SEEN!”
Then a light dawned on her and a small smile came to her lips as she said…
“Oh, … those animals… but they are just my pets!”
“Pets!... Madam some of them must be huge! The size of some… Well the reports say they reach above your window sill. Do you have Great Danes in there?”
“No, I don’t have Great Danes.”
“Well that’s a relief… be hard to find them a home.”
“How many animals do…”
“Pets.” She said resolutely, but the smile still played on her lips.
“Pets do you have?
“I’ve lost count; I really do not know.”
“What!” Turning to the caretaker he said.
“You did call animal welfare again? They ARE on their way?”
“Yes, they are on their way, just held up… they should be here soon. I’ll look.”
The caretaker darted to the window that overlooked the road below and with relief excitedly shouted. “They are just pulling in”
“Animal welfare? Why would you do that?” Rose Gligson was quite incredulous.
“Madam they cannot stay here.” He congratulated himself in the use of Madam, sidestepping her name and feeling more superior in its belittling use.
“I can’t see why not; they are just pets.” Rose said, then added to herself. “Oh dear, this is all becoming really silly.”
“I’m sorry Madam,” showing no sign of actually being sorry. “But they will have to go today.”
“Today, oh no... I really don’t think so.”
“Madam I really do not think you realise how serious this is, apart from the welfare of the animals, there is the small issue of it contravening your lease. If they do not go today, we may have to look at eviction. There are regulations.”
“Eviction?”
“Oh dear, well if you must take them...” Rose thought for a moment then added “Of course you will need a removal van.”
“Removal van? How, BIG… exactly are your animals?”
“Pets.” She looked sternly at him
“Well, I have a Giraffe, but it’s not exactly big at the moment; I was thinking more about quantity… they won’t fit in a transit…. Actually you might need a couple of removal vans, I’m not sure, I’m no expert.”
Mr Jaccobson held onto the jamb of the door while he collected himself. He quite quickly dismissed what had to be ramblings of a lady obviously in the early throes of dementia and wondered if the St Francis’ Hospital had any vacancies.
Rose couldn’t help but smile to herself as the Animal Welfare crew emerged from the lift. They were weighed down with cages and equipment; all for the use to catch domestic pets.
“They won’t need those, besides they are too small…”
“Madam, I’m sure they are the experts, leave it all to them.”
“Just trying to be helpful… I suppose you are wanting to see them then…”
Rose closed the door. Then she pulled the chain off its latch, but rather than letting them in, she stepped out into the corridor and said…
“Well those nosey neighbours should mind their own business.”
Rose Gligson was using her most theatrical of voices; hoping it would travel to those responsible for this disturbance, or at least make a point, as it echoed down the sparse corridor punctuated by colourful doors.
“Well you best come in then”
“Oh I don’t think I’m needed now.” Pointedly looking at his watch, considering how much longer he will be detained here.
“Oh, but I think, you are most definitely needed… do follow”
She went back into her home, and left the door open for the men to follow; and with considerable reluctance in the case of Mr Jaccobson, they did. The first to enter came face to face with an Aberdeen Angus, complete with udders and milking stool. It was accompanied by a Border Collie, an ewe nursing a lamb, several random species of cats and dogs scattered around the apartment and on the table stood a baby giraffe.
“There’s a hippo in the spare bedroom and a crocodile in the bath… and there’s… but I’m sure your experts will find them all.”
“Err quite the menagerie Miss Glig….” For once he was stumped. The caretaker followed in behind eager to see what had stopped the official in his passage. He pushed pass only to have his path obstructed by the cow.
“Bloody hell!!”
This was like nothing he had ever seen in the other apartments. Old ladies had collections, animals yes, he had to admit but usually they came in the form of soft toys or as ornaments in glass, pottery, wood or even paintings… however this was insane. He then wondered if he could get her evicted on the strength of what he saw.
By way of an explanation Rose said “I grew up on a farm… but, I’m now branching out into zoological.” Her embarrassment was now obvious, as she had said it too lamely like an excuse. This was her private life and she had never expected such an intrusion. Of course this was her friend Freya’s fault.
“What you need is a hobby or a pet.”
She had tried the community centre’s crafting club; but she had been useless at all the fiddly stuff. Therefore a pet had become the obvious answer. So when they had told Rose she couldn’t have a pet in her apartment she may have taken it a bit too far. Rose was too obstinate for her own good; her salvation came in the form of Papier-mache and recording tapes.
The end